So how to prevent their teenage years from becoming the worst of your childs life?

Looking back on my own teenage years, I know I was pretty lucky really. My parents were pretty easy to talk to overall and they always explained rationales for their behaviour / rules so even when I thought they were daft (which as a teenager, lets face it may be pretty often), I knew that it was because they cared and they were trying to persuade me to behave in a certain way because they believed that it was in my best interests.

How much more can you ask for? No-one really knows if their way is right do they? We only know what works for us and so we hope that our kids will use our experiences to learn without having to make our mistakes.

How often does that happen though? Part of growing up and becoming a rounded adult is surely about making our mistakes and acknowledging them as part of our development so that we can leave the bad experience behind whilst taking the learning from it so we don't keep repeating the pattern.

When is it safe to allow our kids the leaway to make some mistakes of their own? How much can we protect them without stunting their personal development and leaving them with inhibitions and uncertainties that will haunt them for years?

Communication is one of the keys, I think. Being able to talk to your kids and have them listen at least even if they need to go their own way and find out for themselves.

Having clearly defined boundaries and sticking to them is another. Discussing the consequences of certain actions and what the outcome would be from your perspective, then sticking to that so that your child knows that the choice of whether to take that action is theirs but that if they do take that action make that particular mistake, this will be the consequence and they will have to accept it.

Once the mistake is made and the consequences suffered - get over it - don't dwell on it forever or keep throwing it at them - we're all human and sometimes fallible.

Accept that your young adult will make their own decisions mistakes as they are growing up, as we all do and that as humans sometimes we will take the wrong path and suffer the result. Show them that as long as they accept the decision and the consequences as their own and are prepared to learn from this (ie not make that mistake again) that you will support them no matter what.

If you are able to do this with the smaller things like coming home a little late, not cleaning their room etc then most kids will be able to develop stronger confidence in their ability to stand apart from the crowd if needed over things like drugs and alcohol.

Admitting that you are aware that you can't watch over them 24 hours a day and giving them a framework which enables them to make a decision to do something you will punish them for if they accept the consequences can help to develop your teenagers self confidence and bolster their fragile ego. They are not simply doing something because you have told them not to.

They are making a conscious decision, acknowledging that the risk of being caught out and the punishment or consequences of being caught, are not worth the possible rush of excitement and shortlived thrill that the action would merit.

If you think about it this is how society tries to control us and make us live within the laws of our country. It works for the vast majority of us, maybe it's worth a try with our teenagers..

Be understanding and supportive if your teenage child is going through a bit of an identity crisis. Try not to make light of this, or to get caught up with them in allowing this to become a huge issue. However frustrating it might be for you, if your child needs it, spend a little time subtly reinforcing their good points and strengths so that you can help them to work out and deal with their weaknesses.

I had so many uncertainties when I was going through my teens I think I must have driven my folks almost mad but they were always there for me to help me put things in perspective and see the other side of a situation and my response to it. Nowadays people always think that I must have always been assertive and confident because I learned to be comfortable in my skin but I believe it was because of this grounding.

If you think this stuff makes sense, try it out with your kids and see how it goes. If you have any comments on this opinion I would be glad to hear them;

and if you want to learn more from someone who's been there and got the Tshirt as we say, (a mom who has brought up 4 kids rather than me reminiscing) click on the link below to check out our ebook on this subject.